One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
ok first of all what the fuck
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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