True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
