im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
