as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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