I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
