hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize