You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
