Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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