Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
