just tell him i said nine months
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
