Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
