Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
