onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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