I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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