My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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