im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
