she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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