I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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