I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize