So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
