Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this beer tastes like vomit already
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
