I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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