she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize