I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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