I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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