remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
