shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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