she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
