I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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