What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
