I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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