now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
