I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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