I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
how does that bad decision feel?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
