i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
