he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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