I need to stop coming to work sober
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
