dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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