it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
