her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
