my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
