My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
