remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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