His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
