note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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