im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
