I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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