i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
