Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You dont lie about slip and slides
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize