Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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