Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
