My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
