bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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