paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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