you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
