Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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