i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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