I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
