He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize