a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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