We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
