i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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