I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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