This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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