That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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