I'm going to jail i love you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
