I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Less talking, more tequila
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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